| Children may feel the same feelings when they | | | | behaviors, prolonged depression or withdrawal, |
| grieve as adults, yet their responses can be very | | | | debilitating somatic complaints, or excessive anger, |
| different. In addition, every day through the | | | | consult a grief professional. In fact, these |
| media, images of death, loss, grief and violence | | | | guidelines apply to any loss--whether it involves a |
| are presented to not only adult eyes, but also the | | | | death, a move, a separation, a divorce, or a |
| vulnerable eyes and hearts of our children. Adults | | | | serious health challenge. |
| barely have the tools and experience to process | | | | Be Sure to Talk With Them |
| what they see intellectually and emotionally. | | | | Grief is a subject that often gets avoided or |
| Imagine how the younger and more vulnerable | | | | handled fearfully and briefly. As a parent, |
| among us deal with this! | | | | educator, and counselor, I encourage you to talk |
| In addition, children are deeply affected by natural | | | | with your children about their loss or the ones |
| disasters, such as Hurricane Katrina. Not only do | | | | they view in the media. Discuss what changes will |
| the children who have faced this storm directly | | | | result in their lives because of a loved one's death |
| need immediate consideration, but also those who | | | | or events in the world as completely as you can. |
| are safely in their homes in other parts of the | | | | If you provide structured education, children will |
| country need to be tended carefully. Because few | | | | learn to handle future loss and crises with |
| have maps or experience dealing with the | | | | confidence rather than fear. |
| challenges they witness in others' lives--and | | | | Also, be sensitive to cultural differences in dealing |
| because many parents feel ill-equipped to guide | | | | with death and other losses. Remember, there is |
| their children through traumas such as Katrina, or | | | | never "one way" to teach or do anything |
| the death of a loved one--change is scary. | | | | Take Care of Your Own Needs |
| Yet if adults can't figure out how to handle | | | | In your role as teacher, counselor, or parent, it |
| change, how can our children move through their | | | | can be easy to ignore your own needs. Naturally, |
| journeys of loss and change? | | | | you feel genuine concern about the welfare of |
| Loss and grief force inner and outer changes to | | | | children faced with a difficult loss, but your own |
| take place in all of our lives, yet in a way we can | | | | feelings about life-changing events are just as |
| direct. We can learn to use the energy of change | | | | important as theirs. If you don't allow yourself to |
| not only to bring healing, but to encourage | | | | process them, you'll be a less effective role model |
| wholeness in a child's physical, mental, spiritual, and | | | | for your children. |
| emotional being. | | | | In particular, take time to face your own |
| Let's look at ways parents can help their children | | | | discomfort about talking to the children about |
| deal with death, loss and grief, close to home as | | | | death and grief. If you're aware of unresolved |
| well as far away. | | | | grief issues from your past, seek a trusted |
| Dealing with Common Experiences | | | | person with whom you can discuss your feelings. |
| All children who encounter grief and change | | | | Look at this as a great opportunity to do some |
| process them differently. But some feelings and | | | | "inner housekeeping." |
| experiences are common to almost everyone. | | | | Tools and Tips |
| Infants, for example, don't intellectually understand | | | | Here are some ideas to guide you: |
| changes around them, but they sense changes in | | | | 1) Breathing exercises go a long way to reduce |
| their life situations physically, emotionally, and | | | | the stress of loss and change. Breathe in . . . |
| spiritually. To assist infants in directing the energy | | | | breathe out . . . aah. |
| of change, give them reassurance through your | | | | 2) Remember, it's okay to show children that |
| touch. Talk about what has happened. Act with a | | | | you're grieving, too. Admit your own confusion, |
| consistency to support the routines they know. | | | | anger, or sadness about the situation; this gives |
| Mostly, they need to know they can count on | | | | them permission to feel and grieve themselves. |
| your support, that you'll keep them safe and take | | | | When you show children how you take care of |
| care of their needs. | | | | yourself during difficult times, they learn |
| Supporting Toddlers in Crisis | | | | life-affirming ways to deal with crisis and change. |
| When dealing with the idea of death, toddlers and | | | | 3) Have the children tell their stories. They can do |
| young children through age five don't understand | | | | this with words, pictures, or dramatization. You'll |
| the concept of permanence. They repeatedly ask | | | | find that it's healing both to tell our stories and |
| when a deceased person will return. Children at | | | | witness others' stories. |
| this age learn through repetition and play, | | | | 4) Have children do sentence completions and |
| therefore they need you to patiently tell them | | | | then discuss what came up. Examples would be: "I |
| over and over what has happened. | | | | wonder what..." or "I wish I could... " or "I need you |
| Many people make the mistake of using phrases | | | | to know that . . . " or "The hardest thing for me |
| such as "gone away," "resting," "sleeping," and | | | | in my life right now is . . . " |
| "taken to heaven," which can confuse and scare | | | | 5) It's important for children to remember that |
| children. It's best to be as honest as you can with | | | | they aren't alone. A lot of help is available. |
| them. Include them in as much of the process as | | | | Encourage them to think about all the things and |
| they care to participate in. | | | | people they consider to be their resources. Then |
| Children go in and out of grieving in a rhythm that | | | | have them make a picture or map of these |
| follows their inner needs. If you notice them | | | | resources using crayons, pastels, pencils, and |
| regressing behaviorally, that means they'll likely | | | | markers. This map can contain favorite activities |
| benefit from more, rather than less, structure, | | | | and people, pets, even spiritual helpers. It |
| including dependable routines. In addition, supply | | | | becomes a valued reminder and symbol of where |
| them with various play materials such as paper | | | | they can turn when they feel low. |
| and art supplies, clay or puppets. Help them use | | | | 6) Due to circumstances, sometimes children don't |
| these materials to work out their feelings and | | | | have the opportunity to say goodbye to their |
| thoughts. | | | | pets when they die. It's hard for anyone to grieve |
| Supporting Older Children | | | | without having a chance to say goodbye. Have |
| Children aged six through ten begin to understand | | | | your children write a letter to the pet or person |
| the permanence of death, yet they don't want to | | | | who is gone, or ask them to draw their |
| acknowledge it. Like younger children, they may | | | | "goodbyes" if they can't write them. |
| also desire to know literal and physical facts about | | | | 7) Encourage your children to draw their feelings |
| illnesses, dead bodies, and disposal of bodies, | | | | or make a collage that represents death, loss, or |
| though they won't directly ask. It's important to | | | | change. They may prefer to write a poem about |
| be honest and direct when explaining details. Again, | | | | death, compose music, or make up a feeling |
| find out "where they're at" in their understanding | | | | dance. |
| of the situation. Once you do, give them only as | | | | 8) When grieving, it's important to balance the |
| much information as they require. | | | | sadness, anger, and fear you feel with thoughts |
| When in their pre-teens, children are in a | | | | about the good things in your life. The same is |
| transitional place of understanding and | | | | true for children. Have them list all the things they |
| expressiveness. Peer pressure has begun to rear | | | | feel grateful for. |
| its weighty head; an inner battle concerning | | | | 9) Assure your children that the children directly |
| independence and vulnerability is raging. These | | | | affected by the hurricane have loving adults |
| children experience many conflicting emotions and | | | | helping and watching over them. Let them know |
| their feelings of grief can certainly be confusing. | | | | that you will do all in your power to keep them |
| Giving them honesty, support, and "space" to | | | | safe and that you have a plan in case something |
| process the changes on their own are essential. | | | | unexpected happens. Then make sure you DO |
| Perhaps you can provide a journal, an | | | | have a plan. |
| age-appropriate book, or a support group of | | | | 10) Sometimes children feel badly about |
| peers if they're open to it. | | | | themselves during times of major change and |
| Dealing with Mature Teens | | | | loss. Have them make a collage of what it means |
| As teens mature, their ability to grieve with their | | | | "to be human." Encourage them to depict positive |
| immediate families usually decreases. They tend | | | | and negative feelings as well as behaviors, which |
| to take their feelings and concerns to peers or to | | | | helps them see how a "whole person" looks. |
| a trusted adult such as a pastor, teacher, or uncle. | | | | Discuss the fact that everyone grows and learns |
| They could display more acting-out or risk-taking | | | | as a result of change. |
| behaviors than younger children. As with the other | | | | 11) Children, like adults, often fear what's ahead. |
| age groups, it's important to be honest, show | | | | It's easier to acknowledge and work with fear |
| your own feelings and vulnerability, and provide | | | | when they can "see" it, instead of putting their |
| lots of love and support. | | | | efforts into hiding it. Have them sculpt their fears |
| Guilt, a difficult emotion at any age, can be | | | | with clay or another medium. |
| particularly evident in mature teenagers. Gently | | | | 12) Help children understand that they have |
| probe to see if they've attached guilt to the grief | | | | choices about what they think and say, and how |
| they feel. Provide reassurance that all their | | | | they react and behave. Reinforce the idea that |
| feelings are normal. Most of all, let them know | | | | these choices determine what they get |
| that they did not cause the loss. Even very young | | | | throughout their lives. |
| children can have the perception that they | | | | 13) Children and adults feel helpless when faced |
| somehow caused the event leading to the loss. | | | | with situations out of their control. Our natural |
| Each Child is Unique | | | | tendency is to want to help those in dire need. |
| This brief summary indicates a few common | | | | Allow your children to help in some way. This will |
| developmental differences in grieving children of | | | | give them the feeling of being useful, and it helps |
| select age groups. However, because each child is | | | | them to grow their compassion. Ask them if they |
| unique, understanding death and grieving varies | | | | have any ideas, and if they don't, you can make |
| from child to child. | | | | suggestions: collecting donations from friends, |
| Remember, grief is not an illness; it's a normal | | | | family, at school or in the neighborhood; making |
| response to loss. And most children move through | | | | bags with needed items included--they could also |
| their grief journeys without significant problems. | | | | write a personal note of support to include in each |
| But when grief becomes complicated by factors | | | | bag; organizing a fundraiser; collecting donations |
| such as addictions in the family, traumatic death, | | | | for the rescue of pets; getting their schoolmates |
| history of abuse, multiple losses, and minimal | | | | to write poems, letters, drawings, songs, etc with |
| family or community support, then children may | | | | donations; and of course, prayer. Have them |
| require professional help. Also, the grief of a larger | | | | visualize love, light, and hope being delivered to |
| community, such as a nation focused on the | | | | victims and their families with their prayers. |
| aftermath of the hurricane, presents additional | | | | Listen Deeply |
| conflicting emotions. Engage your child in a | | | | When you're with children who are grieving, your |
| discussion about what they see on tv, what their | | | | primary resource is a good ear. That doesn't |
| peers and teachers have said about the events, | | | | necessarily mean your physical ears; it also |
| and most importantly, what your child thinks and | | | | includes your emotional, mental, and spiritual ears. |
| feels. Ask questions without trying to 'make it | | | | Listening deeply helps you be present with them |
| better.' | | | | and pick up on their cues. It goes a long way |
| If a grieving child exhibits persistent destructive | | | | toward healing--for everyone involved. |