| day through the media, images of death, loss, | | | | guidelines apply to any loss—whether it |
| grief and violence as a result of Hurricane Katrina | | | | involves a death, a move, a separation, a divorce, |
| are presented to not only adult eyes, but also the | | | | or a serious health challenge. |
| vulnerable eyes and hearts of our children. Adults | | | | Be Sure to Talk With Them |
| barely have the tools and experience to process | | | | Grief is a subject that often gets avoided or |
| what they see intellectually and emotionally. | | | | handled fearfully and briefly. As a parent, |
| Imagine how the younger and more vulnerable | | | | educator, and counselor, I encourage you to talk |
| among us deal with this! | | | | with your children about their loss or the ones |
| Not only do the children who have faced this | | | | they view in the media. Discuss what changes will |
| storm directly need immediate consideration, but | | | | result in their lives because of a loved |
| also those who are safely in their homes in other | | | | one’s death or events in the world as |
| parts of the country need to be tended carefully. | | | | completely as you can. If you provide structured |
| Because few have maps or experience dealing | | | | education, children will learn to handle future loss |
| with the challenges they witness in others’ | | | | and crises with confidence rather than fear. |
| lives—and because many parents feel | | | | Also, be sensitive to cultural differences in dealing |
| ill-equipped to guide their children through traumas | | | | with death and other losses. Remember, there is |
| such as Katrina, or the death of a loved | | | | never “one way” to teach or do |
| one—change is scary. | | | | anything |
| Yet if adults can’t figure out how to | | | | Take Care of Your Own Needs |
| handle change, how can our children move | | | | In your role as teacher, counselor, or parent, it |
| through their journeys of loss and change? | | | | can be easy to ignore your own needs. Naturally, |
| Loss and grief force inner and outer changes to | | | | you feel genuine concern about the welfare of |
| take place in all of our lives, yet in a way we can | | | | children faced with a difficult loss, but your own |
| direct. We can learn to use the energy of change | | | | feelings about life-changing events are just as |
| not only to bring healing, but to encourage | | | | important as theirs. If you don’t allow |
| wholeness in a child’s physical, mental, | | | | yourself to process them, you’ll be a less |
| spiritual, and emotional being. | | | | effective role model for your children. |
| Let’s look at ways parents can help their | | | | In particular, take time to face your own |
| children deal with death, loss and grief, close to | | | | discomfort about talking to the children about |
| home as well as far away. | | | | death and grief. If you’re aware of |
| Dealing with Common Experiences | | | | unresolved grief issues from your past, seek a |
| All children who encounter grief and change | | | | trusted person with whom you can discuss your |
| process them differently. But some feelings and | | | | feelings. Look at this as a great opportunity to do |
| experiences are common to almost everyone. | | | | some “inner housekeeping.” |
| Infants, for example, don’t intellectually | | | | Tools and Tips |
| understand changes around them, but they sense | | | | Here are some ideas to guide you: |
| changes in their life situations physically, | | | | 1) Breathing exercises go a long way to reduce |
| emotionally, and spiritually. To assist infants in | | | | the stress of loss and change. Breathe in .. . |
| directing the energy of change, give them | | | | breathe out .. . aah. |
| reassurance through your touch. Talk about what | | | | 2) Remember, it’s okay to show children |
| has happened. Act with a consistency to support | | | | that you’re grieving, too. Admit your own |
| the routines they know. Mostly, they need to | | | | confusion, anger, or sadness about the situation; |
| know they can count on your support, that | | | | this gives them permission to feel and grieve |
| you’ll keep them safe and take care of | | | | themselves. When you show children how you |
| their needs. | | | | take care of yourself during difficult times, they |
| Supporting Toddlers in Crisis | | | | learn life-affirming ways to deal with crisis and |
| When dealing with the idea of death, toddlers and | | | | change. |
| young children through age five don’t | | | | 3) Have the children tell their stories. They can do |
| understand the concept of permanence. They | | | | this with words, pictures, or dramatization. |
| repeatedly ask when a deceased person will | | | | You’ll find that it’s healing both to |
| return. Children at this age learn through repetition | | | | tell our stories and witness others’ stories. |
| and play, therefore they need you to patiently tell | | | | 4) Have children do sentence completions and |
| them over and over what has happened. | | | | then discuss what came up. Examples would be: |
| Many people make the mistake of using phrases | | | | “I wonder what...” or “I |
| such as “gone away,” | | | | wish I could… ” or “I need |
| “resting,” | | | | you to know that .. . ” or “The |
| “sleeping,” and “taken to | | | | hardest thing for me in my life right now is .. . |
| heaven,” which can confuse and scare | | | | ” |
| children. It’s best to be as honest as you | | | | 5) It’s important for children to remember |
| can with them. Include them in as much of the | | | | that they aren’t alone. A lot of help is |
| process as they care to participate in. | | | | available. Encourage them to think about all the |
| Children go in and out of grieving in a rhythm that | | | | things and people they consider to be their |
| follows their inner needs. If you notice them | | | | resources. Then have them make a picture or |
| regressing behaviorally, that means they’ll | | | | map of these resources using crayons, pastels, |
| likely benefit from more, rather than less, | | | | pencils, and markers. This map can contain |
| structure, including dependable routines. In addition, | | | | favorite activities and people, pets, even spiritual |
| supply them with various play materials such as | | | | helpers. It becomes a valued reminder and symbol |
| paper and art supplies, clay or puppets. Help them | | | | of where they can turn when they feel low. |
| use these materials to work out their feelings and | | | | 6) Due to circumstances, sometimes children |
| thoughts. | | | | don’t have the opportunity to say |
| Supporting Older Children | | | | goodbye to their pets when they die. It’s |
| Children aged six through ten begin to understand | | | | hard for anyone to grieve without having a |
| the permanence of death, yet they don’t | | | | chance to say goodbye. Have your children write |
| want to acknowledge it. Like younger children, | | | | a letter to the pet or person who is gone, or ask |
| they may also desire to know literal and physical | | | | them to draw their “goodbyes” if |
| facts about illnesses, dead bodies, and disposal of | | | | they can’t write them. |
| bodies, though they won’t directly ask. | | | | 7) Encourage your children to draw their feelings |
| It’s important to be honest and direct | | | | or make a collage that represents death, loss, or |
| when explaining details. Again, find out | | | | change. They may prefer to write a poem about |
| “where they’re at” in their | | | | death, compose music, or make up a feeling |
| understanding of the situation. Once you do, give | | | | dance. |
| them only as much information as they require. | | | | 8) When grieving, it’s important to balance |
| When in their pre-teens, children are in a | | | | the sadness, anger, and fear you feel with |
| transitional place of understanding and | | | | thoughts about the good things in your life. The |
| expressiveness. Peer pressure has begun to rear | | | | same is true for children. Have them list all the |
| its weighty head; an inner battle concerning | | | | things they feel grateful for. |
| independence and vulnerability is raging. These | | | | 9) Assure your children that the children directly |
| children experience many conflicting emotions and | | | | affected by the hurricane have loving adults |
| their feelings of grief can certainly be confusing. | | | | helping and watching over them. Let them know |
| Giving them honesty, support, and | | | | that you will do all in your power to keep them |
| “space” to process the changes | | | | safe and that you have a plan in case something |
| on their own are essential. Perhaps you can | | | | unexpected happens. Then make sure you DO |
| provide a journal, an age-appropriate book, or a | | | | have a plan. |
| support group of peers if they’re open to | | | | 10) Sometimes children feel badly about |
| it. | | | | themselves during times of major change and |
| Dealing with Mature Teens | | | | loss. Have them make a collage of what it means |
| As teens mature, their ability to grieve with their | | | | “to be human.” Encourage them to |
| immediate families usually decreases. They tend | | | | depict positive and negative feelings as well as |
| to take their feelings and concerns to peers or to | | | | behaviors, which helps them see how a |
| a trusted adult such as a pastor, teacher, or uncle. | | | | “whole person” looks. Discuss the |
| They could display more acting-out or risk-taking | | | | fact that everyone grows and learns as a result |
| behaviors than younger children. As with the other | | | | of change. |
| age groups, it’s important to be honest, | | | | 11) Children, like adults, often fear what’s |
| show your own feelings and vulnerability, and | | | | ahead. It’s easier to acknowledge and |
| provide lots of love and support. | | | | work with fear when they can |
| Guilt, a difficult emotion at any age, can be | | | | “see” it, instead of putting their |
| particularly evident in mature teenagers. Gently | | | | efforts into hiding it. Have them sculpt their fears |
| probe to see if they’ve attached guilt to | | | | with clay or another medium. |
| the grief they feel. Provide reassurance that all | | | | 12) Help children understand that they have |
| their feelings are normal. Most of all, let them | | | | choices about what they think and say, and how |
| know that they did not cause the loss. Even very | | | | they react and behave. Reinforce the idea that |
| young children can have the perception that they | | | | these choices determine what they get |
| somehow caused the event leading to the loss. | | | | throughout their lives. |
| Each Child is Unique | | | | 13) Children and adults feel helpless when faced |
| This brief summary indicates a few common | | | | with situations out of their control. Our natural |
| developmental differences in grieving children of | | | | tendency is to want to help those in dire need. |
| select age groups. However, because each child is | | | | Allow your children to help in some way. This will |
| unique, understanding death and grieving varies | | | | give them the feeling of being useful, and it helps |
| from child to child. | | | | them to grow their compassion. Ask them if they |
| Remember, grief is not an illness; it’s a | | | | have any ideas, and if they don't, you can make |
| normal response to loss. And most children move | | | | suggestions: collecting donations from friends, |
| through their grief journeys without significant | | | | family, at school or in the neighborhood; making |
| problems. But when grief becomes complicated | | | | bags with needed items included--they could also |
| by factors such as addictions in the family, | | | | write a personal note of support to include in each |
| traumatic death, history of abuse, multiple losses, | | | | bag; organizing a fundraiser; collecting donations |
| and minimal family or community support, then | | | | for the rescue of pets; getting their schoolmates |
| children may require professional help. Also, the | | | | to write poems, letters, drawings, songs, etc with |
| grief of a larger community, such as a nation | | | | donations; and of course, prayer. Have them |
| focused on the aftermath of the hurricane, | | | | visualize love, light, and hope being delivered to |
| presents additional conflicting emotions. Engage | | | | victims and their families with their prayers. |
| your child in a discussion about what they see on | | | | Listen Deeply |
| tv, what their peers and teachers have said about | | | | When you’re with children who are |
| the events, and most importantly, what your child | | | | grieving, your primary resource is a good ear. |
| thinks and feels. Ask questions without trying to | | | | That doesn’t necessarily mean your |
| ‘make it better.’ | | | | physical ears; it also includes your emotional, |
| If a grieving child exhibits persistent destructive | | | | mental, and spiritual ears. Listening deeply helps |
| behaviors, prolonged depression or withdrawal, | | | | you be present with them and pick up on their |
| debilitating somatic complaints, or excessive anger, | | | | cues. It goes a long way toward |
| consult a grief professional. In fact, these | | | | healing—for everyone involved. |